World Cup whims

Wow its been a while! Almost a month since my last post but here I am again. Working night shifts can mess up your daily routine. So its almost June, the summer is here and in just about 2 weeks one of the greatest sports festivals in the world begins and the whole world will be eagerly watching... If they can afford it.

Now I'm not sure how it works everywhere else on the planet but the Israeli broadcasters have decided to turn the Soccer World Cup into a money making fest at the expense of the consumer.

Yes every month we pay for premier sports channels in order to receive the licenses to broadcast the great sporting events. Well technically that's what we should be paying for, what we are paying for is the ability to pay for the event when it actually arrives.

Formula 1 is the most watched sport on the planet, every second weekend 1.5 billion people tune in to watch the creme de la creme of motor racing. Israeli broadcasters put the Formula 1 on whenever it doesn't interrupt their broadcasting of the Israeli skiing championships or the U.S. wood chopping league.

We have to pay weekly to watch the Premier League and now the biggest disgrace of all, we will have to pay an outrageous 400+ shekels to watch the World Cup.

My question is this: What are the cable and satellite tv companies doing with the money we pay them every month to buy these licenses?

I can understand them charging people who don't buy the sports channels year round. But I do and I sure as hell don't pay to be able to switch to channel 57 and say "Oh wow, look its channel 57 and they are showing the July tissue paper tearing championships!"

I think it is an absolute disgrace and nothing more than a money making scheme which I have decided to boycott. I have decided I will not give the Israeli broadcasters once cent of my money. I have signed up online to receive the World Cup for a quarter of the price and I will be canceling my subscription to the sports channels.

Obviously I am paying for wasted space considering the sports coverage on our television is appalling, the licenses I pay for, I have to pay for again and at the end of the day, I am being bullied into to putting extra money down when I and nobody else wants to.

So lets send a message to Hot! and Yes. Find an alternative, watch the soccer in a bar, or online or not at all. Lets teach them that the consumer IS always right and if we are going to pay for a service, we damn well expect them to provide it.

I am perfectly happy to watch my world cup favorites battle it out on my PC. I am personally rooting for the United States, Portugal and Spain as runners up to the best of the best Brazil. Its pretty much the first world cup I will be able to watch in its entirety and I can't wait for the first to blow and the world's greatest sporting festival to begin.

Yom Hazikaron to Yom Ha'atzmaut.

Every year on the 5th day of the Jewish month Iyar, the people of Israel celebrate their independence. Yom HaAtzmaut is an amazing and beautiful experience to behold. All of the problems our country faces every day, the terrorism, the middle east peace process and the mundane setbacks of normal life are all put on hold for one wonderful night where the entire country comes together to celebrate the fact that, through all the wars and adversity, all the anti-semitism and every other obstacle that is determined to destroy us, WE ARE STILL HERE! And boy do we celebrate in style.

However, even though we dedicate the entire 5th of Iyar to celebrating our independence, the 4th of Iyar is dedicated to the remembrance of our brave soldiers who fell in battle and cowardly attacks. On Yom HaZikaron, we light a memorial candle and the central town air raid sirens cry out across the whole country as we all remember our beloved people who fell in the name of our beautiful country. Every year when that horn cries out, I find myself imagining the scenes of war and those final moments of those men's young lives. I see guns firing, mortars dropping and the men who we honour, fall.

I am always left with a feeling of terrible sorrow, followed by a feeling of terrible anger. Why did these men have to die? And the answer always comes the following night. These men did not die in vain, they died to give us the freedom to go out and celebrate our country. They died so that our children could grow up as Jews, safe and away from harm. They died so that never again would we ever let the world bring upon us another holocaust. The heroes of our nation are honoured on Yom HaZikaron, and celebrated on Yom HaAtzmaut.

We drink, we have concerts, we laugh, we sing and we show everybody that we are alive and that we are not going anywhere! Last night, a group of about 10 of us all went off to the central park in Raanana. We drank... Lots! And then off we went to the amphitheatre where established musicians played a concert for free in honour of this glorious day. It is an experience you can never have enough of, its something that no matter how many times you see it, its always amazing. Fireworks lighting up the sky, everybody putting their political and religious opinions aside just to be one great nation for one night.

And when we are all together, across the whole of Israel, celebrating our independence and honouring the brave soldiers and innocent civilians who died for us to have this freedom, there is no mightier nation in the world!

The Wrap on Rap

Before I start this post, I would just like to send my condolences to all innocent victims of Rap artist shoot outs. Not the rappers themselves but the people who die and their families who are left behind when one of these rappers decides to bring his so called musical ability to life.

This post will be controversial, only because it is the blatant truth. If you are offended, I'm happy that I opened your naive eyes for just a couple of seconds before you closed the window.

On April 11th, outside a club in Detroit, 2 men were killed, another man's life ruined and a business put into jeopardy. Proof, a rapper, decided to that during a heated exchange with a patron of the club, he would pistol-whip and shoot somebody. He of course was a rapper, so he figured he could do whatever he wanted and got a bullet in the head for his troubles. Well done Deshaun, you got what was coming to you.

The man who shot our hero Proof, was not only a bouncer at the club, but also the victim's cousin. He is now facing up to 9 years in jail because of Proof, the rap industry and every single one of you who listens to and buys rap music. Yes it is once again the consumer's fault and I will explain why, but first off, as usual, lets go off on a tangent.

Rap needs rappers to die in order to survive. In fact Rap Moguls bank on rappers dying every single year in order for them to rake in money. Hell Tupac and Biggie Smalls have been dead for years and other rappers still gravedig every year to bring up some more songs and "collaborations" in order to put some more money in their pocket. As Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/ P. Diddy/Old Biddy put it, it really is "All about the benjamins baby."

And what do we really expect? Of course these criminals are going to get killed. They are a bunch of thugs who take pride in singing about drugs, stealing, assault, pimping, killing and dissing each other. I'm sure if Michael Jackson started singing about child molestation you would all boycott him. These people are not singing figuratively. They are relating their lives in music. They are criminals and by buying their music you justify their trade. Sooner or later one of them is going to lose the fight and so they wont be able to sing about it. Rap is survival of the fittest in a breed that would be doomed to eliminate itself if it wasn't for the consumer who ensures their criminal survival.

They feel above the law because they can just thug it out and shoot anybody who gets in their way and by getting in their way I mean looking at them wrong. And they are above the law because the consumer puts them above the law.

Rapper Shyne is allowed to create an album in jail and be signed to a label, we need to stop and take a look at the disgraceful injustice that is being served to the people. How can a criminal who is incarcerated be allowed the right of fair enterprise? Why does he get this special treatment? The funny thing is, after apologizing to the victims of the shooting he was involved in he stated he didn't do anything intentional and he was "Scared for my life", his album included lyrics which ranged from drugs and bitches to killing people and busting guns.

Sounds like the kind of man who was only shooting innocent people out of self defense to me. But that's not even the worst of it. The sad thing is, if our friend Deshaun hadn't been shot in the head, his hotshot lawyers would have gotten him acquitted of all charges. And he'll probably clear his name now but at least justice has been served and Proof got what he deserved.

We the consumers can stop this cancer of rap and hip-hop from infiltrating our youth's minds and prevent an escalation in violence by simply boycotting the Rap Industry. How many more cars does P. Diddy need? Do all of them really need so much ice round their necks? Do we really have to listen to how many hoes some rapper has in his area codes, or whether or not Obie Trice will find a girl with teeth?

Rap has brought nothing but violence, misogyny and increased crime. It glorifies drug peddling, racial hatred, assault, murder, theft and womanising. Have there ever been any positives to come out of rap? Maybe a lot of HIV positives but I don't remember the last time any rapper organized a live 8 concert, they were all too busy buying their bling-bling and shooting each other and everyone else.

Stop buying their music and stop defending their cause. Just because they are celebrities does not mean they should be above the law. Just ask the families of Keith Bender, Mario Etheridge and the many others whose lives have been destroyed by this evil enterprise. OR alternatively you can wait for a new Tupac Shakur album in which he may or may not mention his desire for peace but inability to stop himself from popping a cap in some ****** ass.

The Dark Side of the Waters

So the lunatic is on the grass, the Greener side that is. Good old Roger Waters who is to perform in Israel this June has decided to change the location of his concert from the Yarkon Park, to a place where "Jews and Arabs co-exist."

This decision was made after heavy criticism by those imaginary people known as the Palestinians. "The lunatic is in my head; There’s someone in my head but it’s not me." Our Roger then decided to speak to spiritual leaders(read: Inciters of violence) and palestinian activists(read: terrorists) and came up with the excuse that the move was in order to support "solidarity with Israeli and Palestinian 'voices of reason' that are pursuing a nonviolent path to peace."

Really Rog? Funny how I never heard anything about you contacting our side. And we always thought "Brain Damage" was dedicated to Syd. Tell me Roger, when you guys were performing in the 60's and 70's where were the "palestinians"? Oh wait a minute they didn't exist. Israel however, was listening to and buying your music. All whilst having wars with our "peaceful" neighbours who were trying to obliterate us. I'm sure that suicide bombing on Monday really showed you how much the palestinians and their regime want to coexist with us.

Let me just put it to you this way. I am not going to be attending your concert and even if I had bought a ticket, I would be going to get a refund right away. I will not support your cowardice and I implore that other Israelis boycott this concert too.

As far as the palestinians are concerned let me quote Fahdi Riqueshi of Baltimore, Maryland: "No Palestinian should spend any money to see this promoter of a decadent, drug-filled Western lifestyle. Enough of these infidels trying to fill the heads of our children with this filth."

And in the issue of fairness, I will do what you didn't do and present the Dark Side of this argument. If we can hear from a pro-palestinian voice lets hear from a pro-israel voice. Brad L had this to say about the whole situation: "I am a Pink Floyd fan and a huge Roger Waters fan. I have seen him perform in every concert in San Francisco since the 70`s. I was ecstatic when I read he was performing in Tel Aviv. I had a feeling he would opt out and he did. He is as naive as most of Britain. He is a pacifist and a fool. I guarantee you he will cancel his whole trip. I see it coming. If you know anything about him, he is anti-Israel and has not been a great fan of the Jews. I loved his music but I refuse to ever attend a concert with him again. Any rock start who refuses to play in Israel as he has for many years should be boycotted. He isn`t doing this for Israel. He is doing it for Hamas and the PA who he feels are mistreated by Israel. Wake up Israelis....."

Seems like you have support on both sides now. Our promoters brought you in, our people paid money to see you, we supported you through your days with Pink Floyd and your solo career, we marevelled at the fact that you still had "It" at Live 8 but the palestinians are obviously more important than we are so why don't you go perform in Gaza and Jenin and then get the hell out because we don't need you to come solve our political conflicts. Why don't you tear down your wall of ignorance and see the truth?

"And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon"

Terrorists and their Apologists

Today's topic is more serious than my normal ranting and raving about obscure things. It involves the murder of 9 innocent people and the permanent damage, be it physical or psychological, of over 70 people excluding their families.

Yesterday afternoon outside a falafel shop in Tel Aviv, a suicide bomber decided to detonate itself, destroying the lives of many people around it in the process. This creature, this waste of oxygen was, according to Hamas, "defending itself!" Tired of all those terrible Israelis trying to go about their daily lives, this turd decided that it was going to die a martyr for whatever pathetic reason its leaders chose this week.

Now I know a lot of people reading this are going to find it controversial, well if you don't want to carry on reading that's your own choice, you can love me or hate me, hell you can even Jew and sue me while you're at it. I'm going to say what many other people don't have the balls to say due to the cancer of this world known as "Political Correctness"

When a "democratically elected" government, which also happens to be a terrorist organization, defends a terrorist attack such as this, you would think that the international community and their worthless opinion would be one of outrage. You would think that the Israeli government would retaliate for such a heinous crime, that the deaths of these people would be avenged. That would be a perfect world. Unfortunately that reality does not exist for many reasons.

First off, congratulations to the Israeli public for voting in Kadima and Olmert, you are more responsible for yesterday's attack than anybody else. You were given a choice and you chose wrong. Expect more attacks like this and I hope your conscious eats you alive for making that decision. Now we all will face the consequences.

Secondly, the Israeli Government needs to understand that 9 Israeli deaths are not equal to a metal workshop and a couple of revoked licenses. WAKE UP! How many more need to be murdered before the excuses and the bullshit stops. Abbas condemned the attacks, yeah right; I can also talk out of my ass. Arafat used to condemn attacks too. They want us dead, they've stated it countless times and Israel and the United Nothings just let them carry on talking crap without any consequence for their actions. Do you really think either of them gives a shit about us Zionists?

Which brings me to another point, Zionism is dead, and it died on May 14, 1948. It died again on January 7, 1950 then again on June 11 1967, August 7 1970 and then finally one last time on October 26 1973. You may ask why I say Zionism is dead, well the answer is quite simple, Zionism refers to the ideal of creating a Jewish land in the area known as Palestine. Well that's been done therefore rendering Zionism obsolete. So for all you ignorant morons out there who hate Zionism and liken it to Apartheid, please, please, please, stick your heads back in your asses and don't come out again.

So what we have is a bunch of terrorists running a regime that's only objective is to obliterate a people and take over their 28000 square kilometer piece of land. No Jewish festival goes by without the Palestinian Terrorists trying to kill more of us and the ironic thing is, the bomb was detonated outside a falafel shop and falafel is not even Kosher for Pesach. So are they really trying to kill practicing Jews and everything Judaism stands for or are they just blood thirsty pieces of crap? I will go with the latter on that one.

Funny how women in the region may not live with equal honor to men in their culture but when it comes to dying in honor the discrimination factor disappears. Only pieces of shit such as these will bribe a retarded child with money and candy if he goes to push the button on his belt next to the soldiers. This is the situation we are dealing with here and once again, nobody is to blame more than the Israeli people and their government.

The U.S. loves telling us to exercise restraint. Ha Ha. Where was the restraint for 9/11? What restraint was exercised going into Iraq? Now don't get me wrong, I totally support both campaigns but this is not "do as I say, not as I do!" If America has the right to defend itself, so do we! But of course we won't. Every day that maniac Ahmedinejad declares war on Israel and every day we take it. They push and push and push and we never push back, that's because none of the people running this country had family members die in yesterdays attack. They all sat safe in the Knesset with some idiot playing a guitar whilst images of a bomb struck Tel Aviv appeared on the screen. Wow I can cry crocodile tears too, well done guys.

I hope the next suicide bomb that goes off involves one of their children, instead of one of ours because they have obviously shown us via their actions that they couldn't care less whether the people died or not. I have an idea, if a terrorist blows himself up and kills Israelis, flatten his entire village, if we're getting blamed for oppressing the Palestinians, we may as well bloody do it and do it in style! When will Israel wake up and realize that this situation needs to be dealt with properly instead of knocking down houses and giving land to these turds.

And as for the rest of the world, those of you who are giving funds to the Terrorist regime of the Palestinians, I hope to see a suicide bomb in your town; I want your children, your family, and your friends to know what it feels like. Oh wait, you already know what it feels like New York and London, Madrid and Bali and you guys didn't even draw a cartoon! Its a shame that you all forget so easily, but not to fear, you can blame Israel for everything, it is of course our fault what with us wanting to live in peace and all, we are truly so sorry for the inconvenience.

So I have an idea for all of you anti-Semitic and anti-Israel scumbags. Boycott us, please go ahead and boycott every thing we have ever done, do not go to movies that involve Jews whether it is in the form of actors, producers, directors or screenwriters. Don't use our science, our medicine, our military technology, our bankers, our stockbrokers, our doctors. Remove all Jews from history and maybe we will all go away.

170 Nobel Prize winners gone, isn't that great? The Polio vaccine doesn't exist, nor does Novocain and local anesthesia. Stop using the Heimlich maneuver because we all know Heimlich was a crooked nosed Jew who was just trying to pick pocket a poor innocent man. What about all Jews and Israelis in Hollywood? Well we may as well throw out all those Steven Spielberg movies. What about economics, we'll line up David Ricardo, Karl Marx and a few others and have them shot, it won't hurt anybody really.

Get the picture? We are here, we are here to stay and all the hating and terrorism in the world will only make us stronger, so do us all a favor and quit while you're ahead, lest we use your children's blood in our Matzah for Pesach next year.

DVD Region Codes and the Entertainment Industry

Good afternoon friends. Today's subject is something that has been on my mind for a long time. However after the culmination of recent events, I feel it is my duty to reveal the truth for all to see.

I went back to the mall a few days ago to buy a DVD player. I went to the store, inspected two or three machines, chose the one I thought was best and made my way home. Now our television in the lounge was made by a retard. Mr Toshiba did his sister a favour by letting her "special" son build a television set and my family landed up receiving this one of a kind TV. So after hours of figuring out how to connect the DVD player to the TV without disconnecting the cable and shutting down the hospital's main generator, we got this DVD player up and running.

So far so good, I put in one DVD, it works, I put in an audio CD, it works, Memory card slot working perfectly. That is until I put in a DVD with region 1, I got this message:

What the hell is that? For all the bitching the MPAA, the RIAA and the film studios and music labels do about piracy and stealing, they sure do a lot to piss the consumer off. I bought a DVD player, legally, I bought a DVD, legally, so why in the hell can I not watch any DVD in any DVD player?!? Why sell the DVD if the country does not generally use that region? Israel is Region 2, why do they sell Region 1 DVDs? The answer is simple my friends, the Entertainment Moguls, are the greediest sacks of crap on the entire planet. You see they want to control you, your every move and they don't want you to have the choice.

Even if there was a logical reason as to why they do this - which I'm sure one of their hoity-toity lawyers can provide us - they should not be selling different region DVDs in a country that doesnt accept that region. Oh... but wait a minute, I'm sure you can buy a DVD player thats three times the price of a regular one, that the gracious film companies have allowed to play all regions.

I recently bought a DVD from one of my favourite bands(check them out: www.marillion.com) and much to my excitement, the DVD was region free. But how can this be? Well Marillion can actually be described as human beings, they want their fans to enjoy their performances in ever region in the world. I can watch it in Australia, South Africa, Antarctica and even here in Israel.

So all you big boys in the entertainment industry can learn a few things. First off, what Marillion makes is music, that shit that Beyonce spurts out of her mouth is not music, its noise. On top of that, Marillion actually writes their own music, no need to sample other people's work when you have a little musical instrument called talent! Second of all, Marillion like their fans, they want their fans to like them and they know that loyal fans will always be there for them hence, they don't piss their fans off.

I know it might be difficult for the guys at Sony, 20th Century Fox and EMI to grasp this but the consumer needs to make a stand. Somehow we need to get a message out to these retards that they don't dictate the industry, we do. Allow me to paraphrase from an excellent movie I just saw called "V for Vendetta": People should not be afraid of the entertainment industry, the entertainment industry should be afraid of the people, we are the ones who choose whether or not they survive. With all the music I own and all the DVDs I own, I could easily live one year without them, so could most of you, I guarantee you however that a one year boycott of the Entertainment Industry would cripple them... Permanently!

Support smaller musicians and independent film makers, support musicians with their own music label, if the others care about the art and the fans more than the money, they will all soon follow suite.

On the next episode of Rustee Rants, The Bus Conspiracy and Mosquitos

Oh the joys of boredom

This entry is being written to boredom! Welcome ladies and gentlemen with nothing better to do than read my blog. Its Thursday night and I'm sitting at home bored out of my skull,

Everyone is in the army or has better things to do with their lives such as sleep and mope, instead of going out and actually developing a pulse. Well someone is at a wedding but apart from that someone(you know who you are), the rest of Raanana is dead.

Okay the guys in the army have no choice, they are sacrificing their time to defend our borders so we can vote in another useless politician who isn't going to do one thing he promises to. But the people who are at home and have nothing to do tomorrow... What gives? This is the time in your life where you have the opportunity to go out and party, have fun, enjoy breathing every couple of seconds(you don't want to overdo it). I know its hard for some people to live with such excitement but I need my entertainment damn it!

The weekend is something I actually used to look forward to, these days I dread it. I can make the excuse of playing games and watching movies during the week. When it comes to having to sit at home on the weekend I feel absolutely cheated. Even if that piece of tin in my parking space, that used to be a car, was working, I'd still have nothing to do. Hell I hate clubbing but I'd even do that!

What has happened to our generation? Our parents, who in their age have become so toned down and responsible, used to go out and have crazy times and we emulate them, not as they were back then, but as they are today. Its terrible, in twenty years time I want reminisce about going to parties and bars and having crazy nights. At the rate I'm going its going to be something along the lines of "I remember when I watched "Grease" on Thursday night once many years ago."

I can't even think of anything to write about because I feel like I'd just be forcing it out and it would come across as completely unnatural. Even my sense of humour decided to go out for the night and leave me at home by myself. Tomorrow night had better be a big bloody improvement because if its not, I think I'm going to start cutting of fingers and seeing how long I can withstand the pain before I pass out. So if anybody is willing to donate their fingers to my anti-boredom campaign, sign up here. You honestly didn't think I'd cut my own fingers of did you?

So I'm going to surf the web for thousands of tidbits of uselessness that will entertain me for about 15 seconds a click. If you are like me and bored out of your mind at home when you feel you should be going out partying, don't worry, you now know that you are not alone.

Wait a second... The Hot/Cold Shower signal is flying high in the sky, the citizens need me! I'm going to jump into the Hot/Cold Showermobile and go fight the ne'er-do-wells. Until I return avid readers I bid you adieu

Things that go BUMP at 07:27 in the morning

This entry is being written to Selling England by the Pound. As some people may have noticed, most of what I have written here is about things that annoy the hell out of me. Well guess what today's subject is about. Buckle your seatbelts, here we go...

Normal people wake up at between 6 and 7 every morning to get on with their dismal lives which may or may not include, work, school, banking and serving time. I however am not a normal person so when I get a phone call at 07:27 AM I tend to get rather pissed off.

This morning after going to bed at around 03:30 I was horrified to be awoken from an interesting dream about god knows what. Now a little background story on why I was horrified. Last Friday a friend of mine decided to make some ridiculous statement about B. B. King and blues music, he even added sound effects. Much to my amusement I commanded him to repeat his sense whilst I recorded it on my snazzy cellular phone and I have been using this as my ringtone ever since. When you're out at night and with a bunch of people and the phone rings, its bloody brilliant. Seven in the morning - completely different story.

So as I was saying, here I am having a wonderful dream when suddenly I am woken by "Hachi Pashut BOW POW!!!" resonating through every part of my body. Looking at the time in disbelief, I noticed that the caller was an long time client of mine from back in the old days when I used to pretend to run a computer fixing business.

Now as I'm sure all of you know, the nokia cellular phone comes with a wonderful option to silence the phone midring. Great feature really - when it works. There I am franticly trying not to wake up completely and I'm pushing the silence button over and over and its laughing at me. I could tell by the look on its screen as it flashed that name over and over it was thinking to itself: "This is for all the times you've thrown me at walls and onto patches of grass you bastard, now I, with the help of ***** ******, am going to wake you up!"

Over the course of the last ten years, cellular phones have become extremely smart, from predictive text to conference calls. From video and music to Bluetooth and internet. My cellular phone however must be the smartest of all because it collaborates. It had the perfect plan, once my client had disconnected the call and I thought everything was finally back to normal, I was shocked to find that my cellular phone had organized for every 18-wheeler truck in the country to drive down our street. This is as quiet as a philharmonic orchestra playing Beethoven's 5th whilst overdosing on heroine.

Next came the leaf blowers. These men have the most pointless job on the planet. There main objective is to annoy the crap out of me, then they blow leaves from one side of the parking lot to the other. The next day they come back and blow all the leaves back again. They do this 5 times a week!!! Blowing leaves back and forth for eternity. So they decide they're going to test their leaf blowing skills extra early and by that stage I'm beating my head against large object wishing that they were sharper. All this time my phone was lying on my bed quite proud of itself and what it had managed to achieve.

Eventually I managed to get back to sleep and decided to sleep in extra all because I feel the entire event was one done out of sheer spite from all parties involved. So if they try to wake me up early, I'll just sleep in late and the phone, well lets just say its been silenced. But I know one day, when I'm not paying attention, it will unleash an even greater plan that may even lead to my ultimate destruction. Until that day I sleep and my cellphone waits for its finest hour.

How to waste 110 minutes of your life. Or, "Get him. The man move!"

Tonight I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. I will never ever forgive myself for making this decision. Of course I'm talking about visiting my friends. Okay I'm just kidding... Really. My friend Ren is going into the army tomorrow, so a bunch of us went to visit her to say goodbye until we see her again(probably this weekend).

So we decided to sit down and watch a movie and what movie did we settle for? Into the Blue. Now the tagline for this movie is "Hold your breathe!" I wish I had. I wish I had held my breathe until I died instead of watching this garbage.

The movie starts off 45 minutes after the opening credits. Up until that point all we see is Jessica Alba in a bikini and the lesser paid actress in a smaller bikini, legs spread wide for the whole world to see the digestive process. At first I thought that the constant view of ass was just eye candy, but then I realized something, the director was giving us subtle hints that this movie reeked of shit.

With such wise cracks as "Tiger Sharks, you know the furry one's with stripes" to the lack of a single iota of research into diving, this movie really made me want to rip my eyes out instead of having to see it. And we were given a few opportunities to stop, but its like witnessing a horrifying accident, something inside you just makes you carry on watching.

The basic plot is as follows, 2 couples go out on a boat to do some snorkeling, cool dude A drops his watch and upon trying to retrieve it, finds a legendary shipwreck. He also finds a whole bunch of cocaine but that's of no relevance because there is never actually an antagonist to make that a plot point.

Their diving skills are amazing, they can make their dives down to around 8 meters without the use of weightbelts. Only sometimes for visual effect do the weightbelts actually appear. Second of all, they are immune to the bends. Normal divers take their time to surface, this bunch shoot right up, their bubbles trailing far behind them and because they are so damn beautiful, nothing happens to them.

They also snorkel into caves, because we know how safe this is, considering most caves underwater have little surfacing areas below sea-level where you can catch your breath. On top of this, they dive in shark infested waters and take air directly from the tank without worrying about things such as the pressure in the tank, without a regulator attached, being 3000 psi. When you are beautiful your lungs can take it.

Ultimately, when the antagonists do come along, the twist is about as fierce as a carousel in a children's fair. Oh and did I forgot to mention that one of our key players is actually a lawyer. He must be an Australopithecus lawyer because he has as much brains as a garden chair. This lawyer incidentally is staying in the beautiful Bahamas resort because one of his criminal clients owes him a favour. On top of that, he is the one who is most eager to retrieve all the cocaine and sell it. And dude A is no better, he cannot even formulate a proper sentence without sounding like he forgot to swallow the marshmallows he ate earlier

I won't reveal the exhilarating ending but I am amazed at how one of the sharks managed to bite a clean cut out of cheaper girl's leg. I mean sharks these days have straight rows of teeth, gone are the days of shredded flesh and jagged bites, this was like a samurai kitana shark.

My biggest question throughout this movie was this: In most fields of work, people strive for success, to be the best they can be, authors want to win the Pulitzer, scientists, the noble prize. I'm assuming that most directors of films would like to win oscars. So with that in mind, when the director of this film sat down at the board meeting with the other production staff and screenwriter, what exactly was their objective? Did they honestly believe they stood a chance? Did these guys really all congratulate each other for a job well done?

I honestly think I would have been more entertained by a story I made up myself. The movie would be called "Upside-down and nowhere to go." The movie would star Jessica Alba in a bikini and a turtle. The movie would start with Jessica lying on the beach catching a tan. A turtle would arrive on shore and accidentally get itself flipped onto its back, the next 90 minutes would be focus on this turtle trying to flip back onto its stomach so that it can get on with its life. Every ten minutes or so the camera pans out and we see Jessica rubbing oil on her body, soaking up that sun; at the end, just as the turtle is about to flip onto its stomach and Jessica is about to take of her bikini top, a frog riding a meteor smashes into the earth and the movie ends.

Now that would be a good movie! Sex appeal? Got it! A dramatic struggle? Got it! A never-saw-it-coming twist at the end of the movie? Of course. Okay so it doesn't have dialogue but then again neither did into the blue, random lines such as "Get him. The man move!" do not count in my books as dialogue.

So if anyone reading this is planning to see this terrible movie, don't! You can get plenty of pictures of Jessica Alba online wearing things she has never put on in her entire life. Don't waste 110 minutes like I did, its not worth, not for all the Jessica Alba in the world

Shopping Malls and ATM's

Good Afternoon friends. Shopping malls are interesting places at the best of times. In fact I have come to the conclusion that although shopping malls clearly show how man has progressed through the ages, many people at shopping malls stopped progressing at the Australopithecus stage of our evolution.

The first occurrence in my voyage to the mall last night was at the ATM. Now the ATM was designed in order to obtain cash from your bank account without having to go to the bank. Situated in convenient places, ATM's are quite simple. A regular number pad with an accept or cancel button and on the screen several selection buttons in order to make your choice. Not Nintendo simple, but simple enough. No engineering degree required, just a brain larger than a walnut.

unfortunately our Australopithecus Mallratus female doesn't seem to posses such a large brain and stands for hours in front of the ATM trying to figure out exactly how to use it. After many attempts she finally manages to jam her ATM card into the machine. Next she is asked to confirm that she will be charged a service fee for using the ATM, no problem there. When it comes to selecting the amount of money she wants, that's when the problem starts. You see normal human beings want small sums of 500 or 600 shekels. Our female, who we shall call "Danush" wants 9000 shekels. You could buy our entire mall for 9000 shekels!

So Danush repeatedly gets denied her 9000 shekels and carries on doing the same transaction over and over again, expecting the machine to feel sympathetic for her and happen to change its mind. Danush then tries another 4 figure sum and - big surprise - is still denied. Danush absolutely desperate at this point turns to a fellow Australopithecus Mallratus female to ask for help. This female proceeds to explain to her that the stars are not aligned correctly and that she must sacrifice her first born to Alunka the Praying Mantis god of Shopping Malls in order to receive money from the "Caspomat"

This is why I shave my hair. If I had longer hair I would pull it out due to my frustration of the sheer stupidity that encompasses my world and gets in my way. After about half an hour of watching the two females communicate, I finally got my chance to use the ATM. I asked a friend to time me at the ATM while I pulled out an outrageously normal 200 Shekels. It took 25 seconds from the time I put my card in until the time I had my money and had walked away from the ATM. 25 SECONDS, Australopithecus Mallratus, I rest my case.

The other favourite hobby that these primitive creatures have, is getting in my way. No matter where in the Mall I am, inside shops, outside shops, shopping aisles at the supermarket, Australopithecus Mallratus will always do its best to insure that my blood pressure is at its highest by getting in my way.

The point of shopping aisles is to ease the flow of traffic through the shopping centre to create a constant flow whereby shoppers can pick up there goods, walk to the front of the supermarket, pay for their items and leave - hence the name convenience store. However, these idiots make it their objective to park their trolleys across the aisle and speak about things such as which tea diffuses quicker and whether or not that particular washing powder can take the stain of stupid out of their smart shirts.

If people want to talk in the mall, there are plenty of coffee shops and restaurants in which to do so. Aisle 43(Vegetables and Fresh Produce) is not the best venue for the Cohen's bloody family reunion!

All in all, the mall would be a wonderful place if it weren't for the amount of non-evolved peons in it. Its as if their last stronghold exists only within a mall environment where they can question the abilities of such difficult to use devices as plastic shopping bags, toilet seats(don't even get me started on that one), ATM's and parking tickets.

We leave the mall with a parting shot of Danush nursing her young, today was a good day for Danush and the herd but with the drought on its way, the future could possess troublesome times for the last remaining Australopithecus Mallratus in the region. Will they have to migrate south to find water and if so, will Danush and her young survive the treacherous crossing of the Gaia.

A family tradition and other grievances

Good afternoon fans! Today's topic is very central to me, some of you may have had similar experiences as the one I am about to share, if not, consider yourselves fortunate.

There comes a time in every super-heroes life where he realises his destiny, Spider-Man with the guy who shot his Uncle, Bat-man with which ever girl he was courting that week, Superman when his bald friend went psycho(surprise!) I realised my destiny recently. What I used to think was just my misfortune and bad timing, actually became apparent to me as a family tradition via an epiphany I had in the shower.

Now for those of you who know me quite well, my grandest schemes are born in my shower, if I was an evil super-villain, my secret base would not be an underground lair or a base on a meteor above the earth, my shower would be my fortress of solitude so to speak.

Back to the point, I was born once, and when I was born, my extended family stood together around their new bundle of joy and collectively decided that I would have a mission. Of course no training could ever teach me what I would need to know if I was aware that I was being trained for this particular purpose so my family devised a scheme. It would teach me what I needed to learn and it would do so in such a subtle way that I would never even know I was being taught, until now that is.

I have learned the secret family tradition. Whenever I step into the shower, someone in the house assumes responsibility of playing with the hot water, switching it on and off repeatedly until I have finished showering. At first I thought this was mere coincidence but how many times can something happen on cue, over many years and on both sides of the world, before a person begins to get suspicious. I now realise that this water training was giving me mental and physical skills I could never acquire through normal activities.

Lightening quick reflexes to dodge the cold burst of water, adapting my anger to build into a super-human rage and the time to reflect while waiting for the hot water to return to me. My thoughts in the shower have taught me amazing skills including learning to speak arabic, mad ideas on how to take over the world and other epiphanies that could only have come via the hot/cold water treatment

I have, via this practice, retained my super-powers and will be using them to defeat evil doers as soon as I can find someone to make me an inconspicuous spandex super-hero suit. It will be bright blue and red with a showerhead on top of my hood and disco lights around my waist, like I said, inconspicuous.

Another skill that I have strangely acquired is the ability to instill the desire in strangers to wind down their windows of their cars whilst in traffic to wave at me and honk their hooters. What the benefits of this skill are, I don't quite know but it works like clockwork, as I walk down the street, some random person is bound to wave and hoot frantically with a dumb smile on their face while I stand there dumbfounded by their idiocy.

So citizens, feel safe with the knowledge that Hot/Cold Shower Man will be there to save the day when you need him, unless he is sitting outside in the freezing cold waiting for people to finish Ulpan, but that story is for another day

Our Brave Army - A behind the scenes look

Just so you all know, this is the second time I am writing this entry, from scratch! Of course the original genius that went into the creation of the first draft can never be fully replaced so you'll just have to bloody deal with it!

Yesterday I went to see two of my very good friends "graduate" from their officer's course. The Israeli Army is well known as one of the greatest armies in the world and when I saw what went on yesterday, I was quite surprised how this is remotely possible. The ceremony was set in Latrun, a memorial site and museum with lots of tanks and other interesting killing machines.

Set on a stage below a few huge tanks on the top of a hill, the ceremony to make these killer boys(and girls) killer men(and ladies) began! All the soldiers marched in and lined up in form. An old officer walked onto center stage with... A Britney Mic! Now I'm all for new technology and all, but when an officer calls his recruits maggots, he should not have to use and amplified sound system to do it. Screaming your lungs out has worked for thousands of years, no need to stop now.

While Britney screamed at the soldiers, another soldier spoke monotonously into a regular standing mic. What he said, we'll never know. Britney then instructed the soldiers to assume their most deadly stance and start... The Hokey Pokey!

Yes, these killing machines, trained through gruelling conditions for months on end, did the Hokey Pokey and it went something like this: "You put your left leg in, you put your left leg out, you put your left leg in and you shake it all about, put your gun against your shoulder when you hear me scream and shout, thats what its all about!" And Britney continued with right leg and other known appendages.

Perhaps I am ignorant, but in the face of war, i don't really think I care whether the guy protecting me has his left leg in or his right leg out. As long as his gun is facing his opponent and he shoots it all about, preferably near the head, I will be more than satisfied. Its not exactly like war is ballet or synchronised swimming(Read drowning) so why do we need to coordinate it as such?

Then I noticed the band. I've never understood bands in modern combat. In the old day when savages ruled the world(not much has changed), bands were used to instill fear into the enemy and to boost morale of the troops. However with the cacophony that this band was producing, the only thing that could possibly have been instilled, is an infringement suit by John Williams. If I was a soldier listening to my band play like that, I would be on the floor in fits of laughter, luckily however, Britney had trained the troops to control themselves and stand at attention when not doing the hokey-pokey. With the way the band was going on I was expecting two jedi to jump onto the stage, armed with lightsabres, ready to duel to the death.

Of course family members in the crowd found that they had no choice but to wave at their beloved soldiers not realising that the soldiers could not reciprocate lest Britney unleash his terrible anger and Macarena upon them. People who wave to other people at inopportune times have always baffled me. These are the kind of people who wave to heart surgeons and even patients, mid surgery!

Several soldiers received honours - underneath the stage! Now I'm no hollywood director but you'd think the guys receiving honours should be receiving them on stage, front and center. These honourable blokes when called upon ran like school girls off the stage, stood with goofy smiles on their faces as if they had done something naughty, were dismissed and then ran like school girls back on to the stage.

The soon-to-be officers were then given a stern lecture from Britney about their responsibilites and the level of respect they had achieved by coming this far. The soldiers took this all in and thought about how they were going home soon to get dressed, go out and get absolutley motherless, pissed out of their minds on every type of alcohol they could get their hands on, including their girlfriends' perfume.

After receiving their badges and being fully promoted to Officer, the troops celebrated the only way they knew how: They through their hats in the air! Of course they picked them up straight away in case Britney got upset.

Speaking of Britney, he was not yet done with the Officers, for his final act he was possessed by the spirit of the Grand Old Duke of York, he marched the hell out of them! Up and down and left and right, he marched them in such a way that he looked like he was trying to recreate and piece by Escher(If you don't know who that is, look it up!). He almost succeeded too!

After that, the waving families stormed the stage and all embraced their little killing machine angels. It was an amazing experience to behold and a proud one too.

So with that I'd like to say congratulations Officers, the people are safe knowing that you will always be there to hokey-pokey the enemy away and listen to bad carnival music in the face of danger

I hate computers

I just sat writing an entry for half an hour and my computer died as i was finishing it! How cruel is that! I needed to add one more thing and push publish post! Anyways I will redo it now since you are all eager to read it!

It starts

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water! So its take 2 in the blog department, lets see what happens.

Can something interesting be made out of the absolutley mundane? Of course it can! Headline news occurs when a member of the pets of the Royal Family kicks the bucket so anything is possible to generate some excitement. The sick thing is some people actually consider that to be news.

The latest thing on everyone's mind is Dick Cheney's shooting of his lawyer friend instead of a quail. Dan Quayle has apparently stated that he fears for his life however it will not jeopardise the future's being better tomorrow. Chuck Norris when asked mentioned that if he was there in the place of Whittington, he would have roundhouse kicked the bullets, Cheney and the quails all in one kick.

In other interesting news some guy decided to streak during a curling match in Italy. Unfortunately charges of indecent exposure had to be dropped because my father - the only person bored enough to watch curling - was out at the time. Suffice to say the guy must have been a tad self conscious. If he really wants to make an impact next time, the superbowl or soccer world cup finals may be a better option