This entry is being written to Selling England by the Pound. As some people may have noticed, most of what I have written here is about things that annoy the hell out of me. Well guess what today's subject is about. Buckle your seatbelts, here we go...
Normal people wake up at between 6 and 7 every morning to get on with their dismal lives which may or may not include, work, school, banking and serving time. I however am not a normal person so when I get a phone call at 07:27 AM I tend to get rather pissed off.
This morning after going to bed at around 03:30 I was horrified to be awoken from an interesting dream about god knows what. Now a little background story on why I was horrified. Last Friday a friend of mine decided to make some ridiculous statement about B. B. King and blues music, he even added sound effects. Much to my amusement I commanded him to repeat his sense whilst I recorded it on my snazzy cellular phone and I have been using this as my ringtone ever since. When you're out at night and with a bunch of people and the phone rings, its bloody brilliant. Seven in the morning - completely different story.
So as I was saying, here I am having a wonderful dream when suddenly I am woken by "Hachi Pashut BOW POW!!!" resonating through every part of my body. Looking at the time in disbelief, I noticed that the caller was an long time client of mine from back in the old days when I used to pretend to run a computer fixing business.
Now as I'm sure all of you know, the nokia cellular phone comes with a wonderful option to silence the phone midring. Great feature really - when it works. There I am franticly trying not to wake up completely and I'm pushing the silence button over and over and its laughing at me. I could tell by the look on its screen as it flashed that name over and over it was thinking to itself: "This is for all the times you've thrown me at walls and onto patches of grass you bastard, now I, with the help of ***** ******, am going to wake you up!"
Over the course of the last ten years, cellular phones have become extremely smart, from predictive text to conference calls. From video and music to Bluetooth and internet. My cellular phone however must be the smartest of all because it collaborates. It had the perfect plan, once my client had disconnected the call and I thought everything was finally back to normal, I was shocked to find that my cellular phone had organized for every 18-wheeler truck in the country to drive down our street. This is as quiet as a philharmonic orchestra playing Beethoven's 5th whilst overdosing on heroine.
Next came the leaf blowers. These men have the most pointless job on the planet. There main objective is to annoy the crap out of me, then they blow leaves from one side of the parking lot to the other. The next day they come back and blow all the leaves back again. They do this 5 times a week!!! Blowing leaves back and forth for eternity. So they decide they're going to test their leaf blowing skills extra early and by that stage I'm beating my head against large object wishing that they were sharper. All this time my phone was lying on my bed quite proud of itself and what it had managed to achieve.
Eventually I managed to get back to sleep and decided to sleep in extra all because I feel the entire event was one done out of sheer spite from all parties involved. So if they try to wake me up early, I'll just sleep in late and the phone, well lets just say its been silenced. But I know one day, when I'm not paying attention, it will unleash an even greater plan that may even lead to my ultimate destruction. Until that day I sleep and my cellphone waits for its finest hour.
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