Tonight I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. I will never ever forgive myself for making this decision. Of course I'm talking about visiting my friends. Okay I'm just kidding... Really. My friend Ren is going into the army tomorrow, so a bunch of us went to visit her to say goodbye until we see her again(probably this weekend).
So we decided to sit down and watch a movie and what movie did we settle for? Into the Blue. Now the tagline for this movie is "Hold your breathe!" I wish I had. I wish I had held my breathe until I died instead of watching this garbage.
The movie starts off 45 minutes after the opening credits. Up until that point all we see is Jessica Alba in a bikini and the lesser paid actress in a smaller bikini, legs spread wide for the whole world to see the digestive process. At first I thought that the constant view of ass was just eye candy, but then I realized something, the director was giving us subtle hints that this movie reeked of shit.
With such wise cracks as "Tiger Sharks, you know the furry one's with stripes" to the lack of a single iota of research into diving, this movie really made me want to rip my eyes out instead of having to see it. And we were given a few opportunities to stop, but its like witnessing a horrifying accident, something inside you just makes you carry on watching.
The basic plot is as follows, 2 couples go out on a boat to do some snorkeling, cool dude A drops his watch and upon trying to retrieve it, finds a legendary shipwreck. He also finds a whole bunch of cocaine but that's of no relevance because there is never actually an antagonist to make that a plot point.
Their diving skills are amazing, they can make their dives down to around 8 meters without the use of weightbelts. Only sometimes for visual effect do the weightbelts actually appear. Second of all, they are immune to the bends. Normal divers take their time to surface, this bunch shoot right up, their bubbles trailing far behind them and because they are so damn beautiful, nothing happens to them.
They also snorkel into caves, because we know how safe this is, considering most caves underwater have little surfacing areas below sea-level where you can catch your breath. On top of this, they dive in shark infested waters and take air directly from the tank without worrying about things such as the pressure in the tank, without a regulator attached, being 3000 psi. When you are beautiful your lungs can take it.
Ultimately, when the antagonists do come along, the twist is about as fierce as a carousel in a children's fair. Oh and did I forgot to mention that one of our key players is actually a lawyer. He must be an Australopithecus lawyer because he has as much brains as a garden chair. This lawyer incidentally is staying in the beautiful Bahamas resort because one of his criminal clients owes him a favour. On top of that, he is the one who is most eager to retrieve all the cocaine and sell it. And dude A is no better, he cannot even formulate a proper sentence without sounding like he forgot to swallow the marshmallows he ate earlier
I won't reveal the exhilarating ending but I am amazed at how one of the sharks managed to bite a clean cut out of cheaper girl's leg. I mean sharks these days have straight rows of teeth, gone are the days of shredded flesh and jagged bites, this was like a samurai kitana shark.
My biggest question throughout this movie was this: In most fields of work, people strive for success, to be the best they can be, authors want to win the Pulitzer, scientists, the noble prize. I'm assuming that most directors of films would like to win oscars. So with that in mind, when the director of this film sat down at the board meeting with the other production staff and screenwriter, what exactly was their objective? Did they honestly believe they stood a chance? Did these guys really all congratulate each other for a job well done?
I honestly think I would have been more entertained by a story I made up myself. The movie would be called "Upside-down and nowhere to go." The movie would star Jessica Alba in a bikini and a turtle. The movie would start with Jessica lying on the beach catching a tan. A turtle would arrive on shore and accidentally get itself flipped onto its back, the next 90 minutes would be focus on this turtle trying to flip back onto its stomach so that it can get on with its life. Every ten minutes or so the camera pans out and we see Jessica rubbing oil on her body, soaking up that sun; at the end, just as the turtle is about to flip onto its stomach and Jessica is about to take of her bikini top, a frog riding a meteor smashes into the earth and the movie ends.
Now that would be a good movie! Sex appeal? Got it! A dramatic struggle? Got it! A never-saw-it-coming twist at the end of the movie? Of course. Okay so it doesn't have dialogue but then again neither did into the blue, random lines such as "Get him. The man move!" do not count in my books as dialogue.
So if anyone reading this is planning to see this terrible movie, don't! You can get plenty of pictures of Jessica Alba online wearing things she has never put on in her entire life. Don't waste 110 minutes like I did, its not worth, not for all the Jessica Alba in the world
1 comment:
brilliant! hilarious! amazing! can i play the frog in your movie?
Post a Comment