Oh the joys of boredom

This entry is being written to boredom! Welcome ladies and gentlemen with nothing better to do than read my blog. Its Thursday night and I'm sitting at home bored out of my skull,

Everyone is in the army or has better things to do with their lives such as sleep and mope, instead of going out and actually developing a pulse. Well someone is at a wedding but apart from that someone(you know who you are), the rest of Raanana is dead.

Okay the guys in the army have no choice, they are sacrificing their time to defend our borders so we can vote in another useless politician who isn't going to do one thing he promises to. But the people who are at home and have nothing to do tomorrow... What gives? This is the time in your life where you have the opportunity to go out and party, have fun, enjoy breathing every couple of seconds(you don't want to overdo it). I know its hard for some people to live with such excitement but I need my entertainment damn it!

The weekend is something I actually used to look forward to, these days I dread it. I can make the excuse of playing games and watching movies during the week. When it comes to having to sit at home on the weekend I feel absolutely cheated. Even if that piece of tin in my parking space, that used to be a car, was working, I'd still have nothing to do. Hell I hate clubbing but I'd even do that!

What has happened to our generation? Our parents, who in their age have become so toned down and responsible, used to go out and have crazy times and we emulate them, not as they were back then, but as they are today. Its terrible, in twenty years time I want reminisce about going to parties and bars and having crazy nights. At the rate I'm going its going to be something along the lines of "I remember when I watched "Grease" on Thursday night once many years ago."

I can't even think of anything to write about because I feel like I'd just be forcing it out and it would come across as completely unnatural. Even my sense of humour decided to go out for the night and leave me at home by myself. Tomorrow night had better be a big bloody improvement because if its not, I think I'm going to start cutting of fingers and seeing how long I can withstand the pain before I pass out. So if anybody is willing to donate their fingers to my anti-boredom campaign, sign up here. You honestly didn't think I'd cut my own fingers of did you?

So I'm going to surf the web for thousands of tidbits of uselessness that will entertain me for about 15 seconds a click. If you are like me and bored out of your mind at home when you feel you should be going out partying, don't worry, you now know that you are not alone.

Wait a second... The Hot/Cold Shower signal is flying high in the sky, the citizens need me! I'm going to jump into the Hot/Cold Showermobile and go fight the ne'er-do-wells. Until I return avid readers I bid you adieu

Things that go BUMP at 07:27 in the morning

This entry is being written to Selling England by the Pound. As some people may have noticed, most of what I have written here is about things that annoy the hell out of me. Well guess what today's subject is about. Buckle your seatbelts, here we go...

Normal people wake up at between 6 and 7 every morning to get on with their dismal lives which may or may not include, work, school, banking and serving time. I however am not a normal person so when I get a phone call at 07:27 AM I tend to get rather pissed off.

This morning after going to bed at around 03:30 I was horrified to be awoken from an interesting dream about god knows what. Now a little background story on why I was horrified. Last Friday a friend of mine decided to make some ridiculous statement about B. B. King and blues music, he even added sound effects. Much to my amusement I commanded him to repeat his sense whilst I recorded it on my snazzy cellular phone and I have been using this as my ringtone ever since. When you're out at night and with a bunch of people and the phone rings, its bloody brilliant. Seven in the morning - completely different story.

So as I was saying, here I am having a wonderful dream when suddenly I am woken by "Hachi Pashut BOW POW!!!" resonating through every part of my body. Looking at the time in disbelief, I noticed that the caller was an long time client of mine from back in the old days when I used to pretend to run a computer fixing business.

Now as I'm sure all of you know, the nokia cellular phone comes with a wonderful option to silence the phone midring. Great feature really - when it works. There I am franticly trying not to wake up completely and I'm pushing the silence button over and over and its laughing at me. I could tell by the look on its screen as it flashed that name over and over it was thinking to itself: "This is for all the times you've thrown me at walls and onto patches of grass you bastard, now I, with the help of ***** ******, am going to wake you up!"

Over the course of the last ten years, cellular phones have become extremely smart, from predictive text to conference calls. From video and music to Bluetooth and internet. My cellular phone however must be the smartest of all because it collaborates. It had the perfect plan, once my client had disconnected the call and I thought everything was finally back to normal, I was shocked to find that my cellular phone had organized for every 18-wheeler truck in the country to drive down our street. This is as quiet as a philharmonic orchestra playing Beethoven's 5th whilst overdosing on heroine.

Next came the leaf blowers. These men have the most pointless job on the planet. There main objective is to annoy the crap out of me, then they blow leaves from one side of the parking lot to the other. The next day they come back and blow all the leaves back again. They do this 5 times a week!!! Blowing leaves back and forth for eternity. So they decide they're going to test their leaf blowing skills extra early and by that stage I'm beating my head against large object wishing that they were sharper. All this time my phone was lying on my bed quite proud of itself and what it had managed to achieve.

Eventually I managed to get back to sleep and decided to sleep in extra all because I feel the entire event was one done out of sheer spite from all parties involved. So if they try to wake me up early, I'll just sleep in late and the phone, well lets just say its been silenced. But I know one day, when I'm not paying attention, it will unleash an even greater plan that may even lead to my ultimate destruction. Until that day I sleep and my cellphone waits for its finest hour.

How to waste 110 minutes of your life. Or, "Get him. The man move!"

Tonight I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. I will never ever forgive myself for making this decision. Of course I'm talking about visiting my friends. Okay I'm just kidding... Really. My friend Ren is going into the army tomorrow, so a bunch of us went to visit her to say goodbye until we see her again(probably this weekend).

So we decided to sit down and watch a movie and what movie did we settle for? Into the Blue. Now the tagline for this movie is "Hold your breathe!" I wish I had. I wish I had held my breathe until I died instead of watching this garbage.

The movie starts off 45 minutes after the opening credits. Up until that point all we see is Jessica Alba in a bikini and the lesser paid actress in a smaller bikini, legs spread wide for the whole world to see the digestive process. At first I thought that the constant view of ass was just eye candy, but then I realized something, the director was giving us subtle hints that this movie reeked of shit.

With such wise cracks as "Tiger Sharks, you know the furry one's with stripes" to the lack of a single iota of research into diving, this movie really made me want to rip my eyes out instead of having to see it. And we were given a few opportunities to stop, but its like witnessing a horrifying accident, something inside you just makes you carry on watching.

The basic plot is as follows, 2 couples go out on a boat to do some snorkeling, cool dude A drops his watch and upon trying to retrieve it, finds a legendary shipwreck. He also finds a whole bunch of cocaine but that's of no relevance because there is never actually an antagonist to make that a plot point.

Their diving skills are amazing, they can make their dives down to around 8 meters without the use of weightbelts. Only sometimes for visual effect do the weightbelts actually appear. Second of all, they are immune to the bends. Normal divers take their time to surface, this bunch shoot right up, their bubbles trailing far behind them and because they are so damn beautiful, nothing happens to them.

They also snorkel into caves, because we know how safe this is, considering most caves underwater have little surfacing areas below sea-level where you can catch your breath. On top of this, they dive in shark infested waters and take air directly from the tank without worrying about things such as the pressure in the tank, without a regulator attached, being 3000 psi. When you are beautiful your lungs can take it.

Ultimately, when the antagonists do come along, the twist is about as fierce as a carousel in a children's fair. Oh and did I forgot to mention that one of our key players is actually a lawyer. He must be an Australopithecus lawyer because he has as much brains as a garden chair. This lawyer incidentally is staying in the beautiful Bahamas resort because one of his criminal clients owes him a favour. On top of that, he is the one who is most eager to retrieve all the cocaine and sell it. And dude A is no better, he cannot even formulate a proper sentence without sounding like he forgot to swallow the marshmallows he ate earlier

I won't reveal the exhilarating ending but I am amazed at how one of the sharks managed to bite a clean cut out of cheaper girl's leg. I mean sharks these days have straight rows of teeth, gone are the days of shredded flesh and jagged bites, this was like a samurai kitana shark.

My biggest question throughout this movie was this: In most fields of work, people strive for success, to be the best they can be, authors want to win the Pulitzer, scientists, the noble prize. I'm assuming that most directors of films would like to win oscars. So with that in mind, when the director of this film sat down at the board meeting with the other production staff and screenwriter, what exactly was their objective? Did they honestly believe they stood a chance? Did these guys really all congratulate each other for a job well done?

I honestly think I would have been more entertained by a story I made up myself. The movie would be called "Upside-down and nowhere to go." The movie would star Jessica Alba in a bikini and a turtle. The movie would start with Jessica lying on the beach catching a tan. A turtle would arrive on shore and accidentally get itself flipped onto its back, the next 90 minutes would be focus on this turtle trying to flip back onto its stomach so that it can get on with its life. Every ten minutes or so the camera pans out and we see Jessica rubbing oil on her body, soaking up that sun; at the end, just as the turtle is about to flip onto its stomach and Jessica is about to take of her bikini top, a frog riding a meteor smashes into the earth and the movie ends.

Now that would be a good movie! Sex appeal? Got it! A dramatic struggle? Got it! A never-saw-it-coming twist at the end of the movie? Of course. Okay so it doesn't have dialogue but then again neither did into the blue, random lines such as "Get him. The man move!" do not count in my books as dialogue.

So if anyone reading this is planning to see this terrible movie, don't! You can get plenty of pictures of Jessica Alba online wearing things she has never put on in her entire life. Don't waste 110 minutes like I did, its not worth, not for all the Jessica Alba in the world

Shopping Malls and ATM's

Good Afternoon friends. Shopping malls are interesting places at the best of times. In fact I have come to the conclusion that although shopping malls clearly show how man has progressed through the ages, many people at shopping malls stopped progressing at the Australopithecus stage of our evolution.

The first occurrence in my voyage to the mall last night was at the ATM. Now the ATM was designed in order to obtain cash from your bank account without having to go to the bank. Situated in convenient places, ATM's are quite simple. A regular number pad with an accept or cancel button and on the screen several selection buttons in order to make your choice. Not Nintendo simple, but simple enough. No engineering degree required, just a brain larger than a walnut.

unfortunately our Australopithecus Mallratus female doesn't seem to posses such a large brain and stands for hours in front of the ATM trying to figure out exactly how to use it. After many attempts she finally manages to jam her ATM card into the machine. Next she is asked to confirm that she will be charged a service fee for using the ATM, no problem there. When it comes to selecting the amount of money she wants, that's when the problem starts. You see normal human beings want small sums of 500 or 600 shekels. Our female, who we shall call "Danush" wants 9000 shekels. You could buy our entire mall for 9000 shekels!

So Danush repeatedly gets denied her 9000 shekels and carries on doing the same transaction over and over again, expecting the machine to feel sympathetic for her and happen to change its mind. Danush then tries another 4 figure sum and - big surprise - is still denied. Danush absolutely desperate at this point turns to a fellow Australopithecus Mallratus female to ask for help. This female proceeds to explain to her that the stars are not aligned correctly and that she must sacrifice her first born to Alunka the Praying Mantis god of Shopping Malls in order to receive money from the "Caspomat"

This is why I shave my hair. If I had longer hair I would pull it out due to my frustration of the sheer stupidity that encompasses my world and gets in my way. After about half an hour of watching the two females communicate, I finally got my chance to use the ATM. I asked a friend to time me at the ATM while I pulled out an outrageously normal 200 Shekels. It took 25 seconds from the time I put my card in until the time I had my money and had walked away from the ATM. 25 SECONDS, Australopithecus Mallratus, I rest my case.

The other favourite hobby that these primitive creatures have, is getting in my way. No matter where in the Mall I am, inside shops, outside shops, shopping aisles at the supermarket, Australopithecus Mallratus will always do its best to insure that my blood pressure is at its highest by getting in my way.

The point of shopping aisles is to ease the flow of traffic through the shopping centre to create a constant flow whereby shoppers can pick up there goods, walk to the front of the supermarket, pay for their items and leave - hence the name convenience store. However, these idiots make it their objective to park their trolleys across the aisle and speak about things such as which tea diffuses quicker and whether or not that particular washing powder can take the stain of stupid out of their smart shirts.

If people want to talk in the mall, there are plenty of coffee shops and restaurants in which to do so. Aisle 43(Vegetables and Fresh Produce) is not the best venue for the Cohen's bloody family reunion!

All in all, the mall would be a wonderful place if it weren't for the amount of non-evolved peons in it. Its as if their last stronghold exists only within a mall environment where they can question the abilities of such difficult to use devices as plastic shopping bags, toilet seats(don't even get me started on that one), ATM's and parking tickets.

We leave the mall with a parting shot of Danush nursing her young, today was a good day for Danush and the herd but with the drought on its way, the future could possess troublesome times for the last remaining Australopithecus Mallratus in the region. Will they have to migrate south to find water and if so, will Danush and her young survive the treacherous crossing of the Gaia.

A family tradition and other grievances

Good afternoon fans! Today's topic is very central to me, some of you may have had similar experiences as the one I am about to share, if not, consider yourselves fortunate.

There comes a time in every super-heroes life where he realises his destiny, Spider-Man with the guy who shot his Uncle, Bat-man with which ever girl he was courting that week, Superman when his bald friend went psycho(surprise!) I realised my destiny recently. What I used to think was just my misfortune and bad timing, actually became apparent to me as a family tradition via an epiphany I had in the shower.

Now for those of you who know me quite well, my grandest schemes are born in my shower, if I was an evil super-villain, my secret base would not be an underground lair or a base on a meteor above the earth, my shower would be my fortress of solitude so to speak.

Back to the point, I was born once, and when I was born, my extended family stood together around their new bundle of joy and collectively decided that I would have a mission. Of course no training could ever teach me what I would need to know if I was aware that I was being trained for this particular purpose so my family devised a scheme. It would teach me what I needed to learn and it would do so in such a subtle way that I would never even know I was being taught, until now that is.

I have learned the secret family tradition. Whenever I step into the shower, someone in the house assumes responsibility of playing with the hot water, switching it on and off repeatedly until I have finished showering. At first I thought this was mere coincidence but how many times can something happen on cue, over many years and on both sides of the world, before a person begins to get suspicious. I now realise that this water training was giving me mental and physical skills I could never acquire through normal activities.

Lightening quick reflexes to dodge the cold burst of water, adapting my anger to build into a super-human rage and the time to reflect while waiting for the hot water to return to me. My thoughts in the shower have taught me amazing skills including learning to speak arabic, mad ideas on how to take over the world and other epiphanies that could only have come via the hot/cold water treatment

I have, via this practice, retained my super-powers and will be using them to defeat evil doers as soon as I can find someone to make me an inconspicuous spandex super-hero suit. It will be bright blue and red with a showerhead on top of my hood and disco lights around my waist, like I said, inconspicuous.

Another skill that I have strangely acquired is the ability to instill the desire in strangers to wind down their windows of their cars whilst in traffic to wave at me and honk their hooters. What the benefits of this skill are, I don't quite know but it works like clockwork, as I walk down the street, some random person is bound to wave and hoot frantically with a dumb smile on their face while I stand there dumbfounded by their idiocy.

So citizens, feel safe with the knowledge that Hot/Cold Shower Man will be there to save the day when you need him, unless he is sitting outside in the freezing cold waiting for people to finish Ulpan, but that story is for another day

Our Brave Army - A behind the scenes look

Just so you all know, this is the second time I am writing this entry, from scratch! Of course the original genius that went into the creation of the first draft can never be fully replaced so you'll just have to bloody deal with it!

Yesterday I went to see two of my very good friends "graduate" from their officer's course. The Israeli Army is well known as one of the greatest armies in the world and when I saw what went on yesterday, I was quite surprised how this is remotely possible. The ceremony was set in Latrun, a memorial site and museum with lots of tanks and other interesting killing machines.

Set on a stage below a few huge tanks on the top of a hill, the ceremony to make these killer boys(and girls) killer men(and ladies) began! All the soldiers marched in and lined up in form. An old officer walked onto center stage with... A Britney Mic! Now I'm all for new technology and all, but when an officer calls his recruits maggots, he should not have to use and amplified sound system to do it. Screaming your lungs out has worked for thousands of years, no need to stop now.

While Britney screamed at the soldiers, another soldier spoke monotonously into a regular standing mic. What he said, we'll never know. Britney then instructed the soldiers to assume their most deadly stance and start... The Hokey Pokey!

Yes, these killing machines, trained through gruelling conditions for months on end, did the Hokey Pokey and it went something like this: "You put your left leg in, you put your left leg out, you put your left leg in and you shake it all about, put your gun against your shoulder when you hear me scream and shout, thats what its all about!" And Britney continued with right leg and other known appendages.

Perhaps I am ignorant, but in the face of war, i don't really think I care whether the guy protecting me has his left leg in or his right leg out. As long as his gun is facing his opponent and he shoots it all about, preferably near the head, I will be more than satisfied. Its not exactly like war is ballet or synchronised swimming(Read drowning) so why do we need to coordinate it as such?

Then I noticed the band. I've never understood bands in modern combat. In the old day when savages ruled the world(not much has changed), bands were used to instill fear into the enemy and to boost morale of the troops. However with the cacophony that this band was producing, the only thing that could possibly have been instilled, is an infringement suit by John Williams. If I was a soldier listening to my band play like that, I would be on the floor in fits of laughter, luckily however, Britney had trained the troops to control themselves and stand at attention when not doing the hokey-pokey. With the way the band was going on I was expecting two jedi to jump onto the stage, armed with lightsabres, ready to duel to the death.

Of course family members in the crowd found that they had no choice but to wave at their beloved soldiers not realising that the soldiers could not reciprocate lest Britney unleash his terrible anger and Macarena upon them. People who wave to other people at inopportune times have always baffled me. These are the kind of people who wave to heart surgeons and even patients, mid surgery!

Several soldiers received honours - underneath the stage! Now I'm no hollywood director but you'd think the guys receiving honours should be receiving them on stage, front and center. These honourable blokes when called upon ran like school girls off the stage, stood with goofy smiles on their faces as if they had done something naughty, were dismissed and then ran like school girls back on to the stage.

The soon-to-be officers were then given a stern lecture from Britney about their responsibilites and the level of respect they had achieved by coming this far. The soldiers took this all in and thought about how they were going home soon to get dressed, go out and get absolutley motherless, pissed out of their minds on every type of alcohol they could get their hands on, including their girlfriends' perfume.

After receiving their badges and being fully promoted to Officer, the troops celebrated the only way they knew how: They through their hats in the air! Of course they picked them up straight away in case Britney got upset.

Speaking of Britney, he was not yet done with the Officers, for his final act he was possessed by the spirit of the Grand Old Duke of York, he marched the hell out of them! Up and down and left and right, he marched them in such a way that he looked like he was trying to recreate and piece by Escher(If you don't know who that is, look it up!). He almost succeeded too!

After that, the waving families stormed the stage and all embraced their little killing machine angels. It was an amazing experience to behold and a proud one too.

So with that I'd like to say congratulations Officers, the people are safe knowing that you will always be there to hokey-pokey the enemy away and listen to bad carnival music in the face of danger

I hate computers

I just sat writing an entry for half an hour and my computer died as i was finishing it! How cruel is that! I needed to add one more thing and push publish post! Anyways I will redo it now since you are all eager to read it!