Just so you all know, this is the second time I am writing this entry, from scratch! Of course the original genius that went into the creation of the first draft can never be fully replaced so you'll just have to bloody deal with it!
Yesterday I went to see two of my very good friends "graduate" from their officer's course. The Israeli Army is well known as one of the greatest armies in the world and when I saw what went on yesterday, I was quite surprised how this is remotely possible. The ceremony was set in Latrun, a memorial site and museum with lots of tanks and other interesting killing machines.
Set on a stage below a few huge tanks on the top of a hill, the ceremony to make these killer boys(and girls) killer men(and ladies) began! All the soldiers marched in and lined up in form. An old officer walked onto center stage with... A Britney Mic! Now I'm all for new technology and all, but when an officer calls his recruits maggots, he should not have to use and amplified sound system to do it. Screaming your lungs out has worked for thousands of years, no need to stop now.
While Britney screamed at the soldiers, another soldier spoke monotonously into a regular standing mic. What he said, we'll never know. Britney then instructed the soldiers to assume their most deadly stance and start... The Hokey Pokey!
Yes, these killing machines, trained through gruelling conditions for months on end, did the Hokey Pokey and it went something like this: "You put your left leg in, you put your left leg out, you put your left leg in and you shake it all about, put your gun against your shoulder when you hear me scream and shout, thats what its all about!" And Britney continued with right leg and other known appendages.
Perhaps I am ignorant, but in the face of war, i don't really think I care whether the guy protecting me has his left leg in or his right leg out. As long as his gun is facing his opponent and he shoots it all about, preferably near the head, I will be more than satisfied. Its not exactly like war is ballet or synchronised swimming(Read drowning) so why do we need to coordinate it as such?
Then I noticed the band. I've never understood bands in modern combat. In the old day when savages ruled the world(not much has changed), bands were used to instill fear into the enemy and to boost morale of the troops. However with the cacophony that this band was producing, the only thing that could possibly have been instilled, is an infringement suit by John Williams. If I was a soldier listening to my band play like that, I would be on the floor in fits of laughter, luckily however, Britney had trained the troops to control themselves and stand at attention when not doing the hokey-pokey. With the way the band was going on I was expecting two jedi to jump onto the stage, armed with lightsabres, ready to duel to the death.
Of course family members in the crowd found that they had no choice but to wave at their beloved soldiers not realising that the soldiers could not reciprocate lest Britney unleash his terrible anger and Macarena upon them. People who wave to other people at inopportune times have always baffled me. These are the kind of people who wave to heart surgeons and even patients, mid surgery!
Several soldiers received honours - underneath the stage! Now I'm no hollywood director but you'd think the guys receiving honours should be receiving them on stage, front and center. These honourable blokes when called upon ran like school girls off the stage, stood with goofy smiles on their faces as if they had done something naughty, were dismissed and then ran like school girls back on to the stage.
The soon-to-be officers were then given a stern lecture from Britney about their responsibilites and the level of respect they had achieved by coming this far. The soldiers took this all in and thought about how they were going home soon to get dressed, go out and get absolutley motherless, pissed out of their minds on every type of alcohol they could get their hands on, including their girlfriends' perfume.
After receiving their badges and being fully promoted to Officer, the troops celebrated the only way they knew how: They through their hats in the air! Of course they picked them up straight away in case Britney got upset.
Speaking of Britney, he was not yet done with the Officers, for his final act he was possessed by the spirit of the Grand Old Duke of York, he marched the hell out of them! Up and down and left and right, he marched them in such a way that he looked like he was trying to recreate and piece by Escher(If you don't know who that is, look it up!). He almost succeeded too!
After that, the waving families stormed the stage and all embraced their little killing machine angels. It was an amazing experience to behold and a proud one too.
So with that I'd like to say congratulations Officers, the people are safe knowing that you will always be there to hokey-pokey the enemy away and listen to bad carnival music in the face of danger
3 comments:
Excellent blog... feel like i was actually there, keep it up rusty one day britain might actually ask you to write up your valid views on the queen.... wouldnt be such a good idea to publish it though nevertheless good reviews
well done on getting a blog, it's about time too, since you usually have so much to say and most of it is amusing.
on a lighter note, i am trying to study for theory and i have to say that i hate cars and anything that looks like one.
I've had a blog for a long time, just decided i needed a fresh start because the previous one and myself had creative difference, He's since gone on to start a carreer in sheep juggling
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